THINGS

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
1. alcohol
2. lists
3. stability
4. the dollar tree
5. christine elizabeth anne vecchione
6. my bizarro taste in music
7. freedom
8. driving
9.condensing things at work
10. ranting
11. progress
12. glow sticks
13. things going as planned
14. things going better than planned
15. things not needing to be planned at all
16. someone.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD
1. feeling inadequate
2. lying
3. my parents
4. living at home
5. the dollar tree
6. mystery bruises
7. alcohol being number 1 on the previous list
8. self-control
9. boundries
10. paranoia
11. caring
12. hope
13. my mother (yes i know shes already on here)
14. mono
15. spiders in my bathtub.
16. waiting for something that may or may not ever happen

THINGS THAT MAKE ME ANGRY
1. the world fucking over people i care about
2. being called a liar
3. being sick
4. being scared
5. mornings
6. insulting someone i care about
7. double standards
8. my own skewed morals
9. making decisions
10. being wrong on my judgments of people
11. getting yanked out of shippensburg
12. having mono since the spring and no one telling me
13. wasting my time
14. my mother’s refusal to grant praise
15. batteries&candy being messed up at the dollar tree… aka my OCD
16. absolutely nothing.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SCARED
1. robots/animatronic figures
2. ventrilloquists&their dummies
3. sharks
4. skin cancer
5. leeches
6. men hitting on me
7. abandonment
8. rejection
9. being alone
10. failure
11. my mother
12. working at the dollar tree forever
13. living in my parents house forever
14. not going back to school next fall
15. my biggest ex still loving me
16. the girl i like getting back with her ex.

IN LOVE

i’m not, but i miss it.

but now, there are other people
more worthy of my undying affection

i think i’ll always love her somewhere deep down
but, very very deep down

CALL BACK

a few posts ago-
” you’ll be good enough as long as you’re you.”

You aren’t you anymore&i don’t like the new you.

SOMETHING

you know what hurts?

telling someone you love them,
having them say it back,
but knowing its just in pity, that they don’t mean it
Especially because i wasnt asking or expecting to hear it back

I might have believed it, but i don’t want to think about it

all i want is you, yourself.

And when we were sitting under slide i thought that this was all i’ll ever need me and you and the rain and shelter as long as you’d be happy

yesterday is when i knew it, for sure, that you’re it
and i know we will never be us so all i want from you is nothing really
you’ll be good enough as long as you’re you.

UNDOUBTEDLY

today i remembered horrible things about myself
back when i had no morals
back when i was lonely if i wasn’t attached for more than a week
and broke.
&i encouraged ryan to ask me out
and then i said yes
just because i was broke and he followed me around like a lost puppy, hanging on my every word and movement

i would barely let him kiss me
i told him i was trying to “reform myself”
but i did let him spend the child support money he got from his father on me
his father he had never met

he bought me:
For Never and Ever, Kill Hannah
You’ll Rebel To Anything, MSI
My butterfly necklace
My black bracelet
book after book after book
Underworld
Pirates of the Caribbean
Interview with the Vampire (the book&the movie)
Friends, season 6

All in 2 months.
and then i got money.
I’m going to hell, for certain.

Recent States of Being

-with

-waiting for

-looking for

-talking to

-missing.

Your mood?
full of tacos

WHILE YOU WERE GONE (a growing list/letter to my best friend)

-I had hannah over to watch youtube videos,  lay on my kitchen floor, and fail at making sugar cookies
-I watched clerks&became a lesbian
-I went out for chinese food and it was good food but not good times
-i learned how to play guitar hero&went in town on saturday
-hannah&i had our first falling out, where i eventually left benny’s and broke down, half-crying, calling her a fucking bitch, but then she called and everything felt alright again
-sunday i went bathing suit shopping with hannah&taylor&liz&val
-we then went back to liz’s house, where we watched little miss sunshine and the wiz, but liz got caught smoking weed and we had to leave
-sunday hannah&i made up during the movie, it was wonderful and life was good again
-monday there was a hot tub party
-tuesday we saw semi-pro
-wednesday was open mic, and hannah slept over. we made a sims family and watched the colbert report
-thursday, i woke up really early and cooked massive amounts of food. we had a road trip
-friday i was exausted. i washed my car with taylor. i text talked with hannah who was in georgia. i went and played guitar hero at tay’s house.

&i don’t want to live my life on one side of an ampersand

ambien, arsenic
and make me a lesbian
make me a something
so i can forget him
and get back to reading
and get back to sleep again
out of van, marzipan
anything, anything

right now i need music that reminds me of
sitting on the kitchen floor banging pots&pans
swaying, sitting, legs at awkward angles
and shouting lyrics in rhythm at the top of my voice

Amanda Palmer’s solo work is speaking to me today.